August 13th, 2014

An artist always standing on the brink of decisions, but cannot often decide,
Apologizing. At least not this one….
Art     or     Family
Art         or         Stability
Art             or             Love
Art.
The one common factor, the first purpose, but I refuse to believe that there cannot have the others.

Family is the easiest, “no brainer”
Loyalty is the deciding factor.
The guilt I already feel at not being present sometimes sits top of me, but other times 190.03 miles away.  Every birthday, holiday, graduation, lifetime achievement.  It reminds me just how awful am I as daughter, sister, relation, friend.  But THEY are the sure distraction.
My artist’s home is here and now. 
Until the need arises.  Sickness, death, unknown, I would carry my loyalty back to where is was forged. I will be there and then.

Stability the balance beam
Too much, to little collides with my making.
The scale of consuming, depends on the conversion of energy: to produce we need to consume.  All kinds of things.
food water sleep air
life experience image voice
passion inspiration challenge emotion
so grows the list.  It all gets stored and maybe released.  expanding, hiding, shrinking, interrupting in the beast organ of an artist.  There can be no control.  It runs rampant even when alluding to making sense. “Exhibit A: I got off topic”
Stability is needs.  Needs are necessary but get in the way.  So the things that should be my life’s solid foundation get lost in the more glamorous construction.

Love the undefined.
Easily obsessive. But. Love of what? of whom? In the way of story books, I seek it and it seeks me, though could amount to nothing.  It is an addiction even when the drug cannot be found.  of whom can help or hurt the first purpose.  Love of what, the cause of this glorious mess.  And it propels me to find Love of when and how.  And the rhythm of all and now.

An artist knows how, though each an offering in a different combination. Yet none of this reasoning can put off the looming decisions, pondering over the art’s bubbling shell.